Roy Mustang, Hopeless Romantic
by TheQueenOfMediocrity
Summary: Roy is a novelist... a terrible one. Silly, sexual humor.
1. Hereterosexual Baloney

Roy Mustang, Hopeless Romantic

Roy Mustang sat at his typewriter, imagining a world of mystery, forbidden romance, and steamy sex for his original characters, Bryna O' Malley and Brogan McMurphy in his original romance novel, _Landerian Love Affair._

_Princess Bryna O'Malley was a beautiful Landerian princess, daughter of King Liam O'Malley, known as a brutal, iron-fisted, merciless ruler, who had no concern for his citizens whatsoever. She was the polar opposite, being kind, patient, and loving. So loving, she defied her father for the affection of her roguish lover, Brogan. _

_Brogan, the freedom fighter of tan skin, blonde hair and greenish hazel eyes, could barely contain himself when he saw Bryna's beautiful chocolate hair flowing in the wind, and her scorching blue eyes piercing his soul as she rode up on her horse. He ran to her before she could even bring her steed to a full stop, kissing her, nearly yanking her out of her seated position on the noble animal. He carried her to the soft grass, lay her down, and using all his self control not to rip off her clothes…._

"Can't you just write that they 'did it'?" Interrupted his young, blonde, male companion, who was resting his chin on Roy's shoulder. "What's with all this 'self-control' nonsense, and that 'piercing blue eyes' shit?"

"First of all, it's a romance novel, and there's absolutely nothing romantic about '_He took her off her horse and they 'did it'_, as you so quaintly put. Secondly, I've got to… uh, _explode_ the moment, if you will." Roy stated, with a smirk.

"Nice pun, asshole!" Said Ed teasingly, punching him on the shoulder. "I'll leave you to your nasty her-etorosexual baloney, and I'm gonna make some ramen. You want any?"

"No, thank you, Ed."

"Alright, suit yourself!"

Roy let Ed go to make his delicious snack noodles, and picked up where his characteristically argumentative companion had interrupted him.

_…using all his self-control not to rip off her clothes, he gently stroked her face and kissed her lips, carefully undoing the laces on her corset. He kissed her neck and her throat, and he reached up to caress her full –_

"I just don't get why he has to do it with a chick!"

"Dammit, Ed, you're ruining my concentration! Do you want me to finish this or not?!"

"Fine, I'll leave you alone! I'll be in here, eating my ramen!"

Finally! God, Ed is so exasperating sometimes! Roy sighed.

_…. he reached up to caress her full breasts, and she whispered 'I love you'. He replied, 'I love you, too, Bryna."_

_When all of a sudden, Bryna's father and his elite legion of knights, called Faris (or Fares, for plural), rode up on their black steeds._

_"Bryna, how could you! This man has continually spoken out against my reign! For you to run around… _**fornicating**_ with him is an unspeakable disgrace to my throne!"_

_"But Father, I love him!"_

_"Your love for him is irrelevant! My loyal Fares, seize him!"_

_"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Father, I'll never speak to you again!" Bryna shouted, hitting her father's chest and collapsing to the ground crying when she saw Brogan her lover dragged forcefully away by the Fares._

"I think that's a pretty good prologue to my story," Roy thought out loud. "ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!"


	2. Craptastic

Roy Mustang, Hopeless Romantic II

Roy slouched over the typewriter in a depressing lump. His initial burst of enthusiasm had abandoned him as he succumbed to writer's block.

"AGGGGGHHHHH! I haaaaate this! It makes my brain itch!"

Ed just laughed as he slurped his Ramen, nearly causing himself to choke.

"Hate to sound rude, babe, but did it ever occur to you that you may actually have no writing talent?"

Roy, indignant, gasped at Ed's insensitivity, and shot a glare at him, which softened to a pouty look of hurt.

"Well, that's not very kind, Fullmetal."

_Oh, shit. He doesn't call me that unless he's _**pissed!**

"I _am, _after all, only a beginner." Stated Roy coolly, in a voice which told Ed he'd be getting no action for at least a couple of days.

_Me and my big mouth…. _

Not wanting to do any more damage, Ed felt it was best he finish his Ramen in the kitchen, at the table.

Roy was glad for the privacy, as his companion had a tendency to be rather annoying when the mood struck him.

_Struck… AHA!…_

* * *

_The pointy end of the saber struck him, puncturing his chest, sending a red curlicue of blood throughout the white shirt's fibers._

_"Damn it all! And to think, defeated by a lowly WOMAN! AGGGHHHHHH!" He hissed, his final words swallowed by a choking, gargling, gurgle, and his body contorted into its final resting position. Well, maybe 'resting' wasn't the right word, since his body was contorted painfully, contrived into a shape some crazy, pretzelly, contortionist circus freak would envy. _

_"Haha, jerk! You got beat by a gir-irl! And so shall all who are stupid or unfortunate enough to get in the way of me, Bryna O' Malley, Princess and Future Ruler of Landeris, Beautiful and Terrible Warrior (with a _nice_ rack, she might add), in search of her one true love, Handsome, Roguish Freedom Fighter Brogan McMurphy, the one and only man who may bring her true, pure, never ending happiness!" She finished breathless and triumphant. It was dark now. She marched on into the shadowy woods nearby, where unknown danger lurked. _

* * *

_God, this is boooo-ring! _Ed thought, sitting alone at the kitchen table_. When will Roy get this stupid novel idea out of his head? That's all he thinks about lately... Aha! I'll write my own romance novel, not the gross guy/girl kind, but my own, kickass, yaoi-riffic kind! See how _he_ likes it! Muwahahahahahaha!_

* * *

_"Mwahahahahahahahahaha!" Evilly snickered a sinister, mustachioed man wearing all black, with an eye patch, a wooden leg and a gold tooth who sat sharpening his giant, curvy, knife-sword thing, menacingly._

_"That silly princess... Doesn't she know everyone could hear her a million miles around? Any who, my gloriously_ **EVIL** _plan may now be set into motion! Hehehehehehehehehehe!"_

_He crouched in the woods, waiting for Bryna to pass. As soon as she did, he jumped up, knocked her unconscious, bound, gagged, and blindfolded her, and carried her to his pure black horse whose eyes seemed to glow red in the darkness, previously hidden in the thick woods. _

_"I'll fetch me a king's ransom for this! A specific king's ransom, that is. There, there, my pretty, all will go well if your father only cooperates. And maybe I can get something from that dreamboat roguish freedom fighter you kept rambling about. Hehehehehehehehehe!"_

_He put her on top of his horse, and climbed on behind her. _

_"Yes, yes, I think this will work out mighty well for me!" Sang the awful, bad, depraved, despicable, evil, incorrigible, mean, nasty, wanton, wicked ninja-pirate kidnapper, thinking he'd gotten home Scot-free._

_But who should pop out of the shadows just then but Dreamboat Roguish Freedom Fighter, Brogan McMurphy! He pulled out his own saber, frightening said ninja-pirate kidnapper into stopping his horse, nearly dropping Bryna O'Malley in the process._

_"You thought you could get away with kidnapping Bryna O'Malley, Princess and Future Ruler of Landeris, Beautiful and Terrible Warrior (with a_ nice _rack, I might add)-"_

_"Yeah, yeah, I already heard all that. Now, prepare to meet your doom, Dread Pirate Richard!"_

_Brogan started in enthusiastically, but then stopped, confused. _

_"Richard?" _

_"Yes, Richard! Ever had your ass kicked by a guy named Richard? 'T Ain't fun! Now, prepare to meet your doom!"_

* * *

"This shouldn't be too hard... I mean, all that Roy/Ed yaoi goodness on the 'Net_ is _pretty hot...Hehe. I guess that's not all I have to go on, though, is it?" Ed giggled, until he remembered his current standing with Roy. "Well, maybe for right now it is. _Humph."_

And Ed put pen to paper.


	3. Yaoiriffic

Roy Mustang, Hopeless Romantic 3

Ed sat at the kitchen table, imagining a world of mystery, forbidden romance, and steamy sex for his original characters, Alagan Aarti and Alary Dilara, in his original novel, _As of Yet Untitled_.

_Alary woke before the sun, kissing the back of Alagan's head before he left. Alary and Alagan were two beautiful young men, with dark hair, dark eyes, and olive complexions. Alary knew Alagan hated it when he was gone, but he had no choice in the matter. Things more important than themselves were at stake. Alary stole a glance back at the bed as he dressed in a simple, long sleeved linen tunic and linen slacks, and saw Alagan's peaceful face and bare, muscular upper body, as he shifted in his sleep. He was gorgeous._

Ed paused for a moment to read over his work. _Damn, I'm pretty good._ He continued writing.

_He kissed Alagan again, and departed for his. Alary was a politician of sorts, representing those who had no other voice. He fought for the outcasts, the untouchables, which was no simple task since, being homosexual, he was considered such himself. It was a wonder he'd made it so far, and though he had, he still suffered the hateful predilections of some of his less progressive colleagues. _

Ed stopped again. He hadn't intended to delve into such personal, even painful, subject matter. He'd had experience with that before, and didn't want to relive it. So, he decided to change gears a bit.

_But that wasn't all there was to him. He was intelligent, handsome, and best of all, he had Alagan, who was loving and faithful, not to mention stunning. Alagan's innocence and pure love guided him through all his troubles, and gave him hope in all circumstances. _

_Oh, god, that sounds cheesy,_ Ed thought.

_Alagan's pure love and innocence..._

_Alagan's pure lov-_

_The duality of Alagan's passionate love and pure soul were Alary's beacon for every action._

"Duality... I didn't even know I knew that word."

Ed had never written before, and overall, was pleasantly surprised at how his insights had transmuted into written word. Not usually one for insinuation, he was startled at the calm, subtle, voice his prose had taken on. Ed wondered how Roy fared, having read his, _uh_, "writing", and laughed to himself.

* * *

Hearing Ed laugh, Roy wondered what could possibly be so gosh-darned funny. _He's just jealous of my ninja-writing skills. The jerk._

_Brogan and Richard clashed their swords in an epic and awesome battle, weapons clashing loudly in a deafening roar of metal-on-metal combat!_

_"If you thought you could get away with stealing my lovely ladylove, you were sorely mistaken! Now, I shall kill you!"_

_"But you see, YOU are mistaken, for _I _am the one who is going to kill _you_! Mwahahahahahahahaha!"_

_Stabby–rip–stab-stab! Stabbity-stab-stabbers-McStabbity! They seemed to go at it for hours, until both were too tired to keep up the stabbity-stabbing combat, or even remember what they were fighting for. By then, of course, Princess Bryna had waked up, rather irritable at being tied up, and started spitting and cursing, using words even Dread Pirate Richard had never heard._

_"I swear, if one of you blithering, brain-damaged, dropped-on-your-heads, **IDIOTS** doesn't untie me THIS MINUTE, so help me God, Brogan, I won't sleep with you for at least a YEAR! I mean it, too!"_

_This, of course, sped Brogan up pretty fast, getting his lovely ladylove (with her lovely lady lumps) untied within the minute. Together, they were perfectly armed against Dread Pirate Richard, wrapping him all 'round with ropes, gagging and blindfolding him, and setting him on top of his horse, slapping it on its flank to send it away, with their favorite befuddled, mustachioed villain as its cargo._

_"So, where'd you come from- how'd you escape my father?"_

_"His Fares may be elite, but they ain't too bright, neither. I hit the guards on the head, stole one of their little outfits, and just took off! They'll probably notice I left before too long, though, so we should probably get a move on."_

_"Right."_

_And they headed off together, in search of a way to make all their dreams come true._

* * *

Ed slurped some of his noodles, savoring the chickeny goodness, and once again pushed the bowl out of the way to continue writing his story.

_Alary set out to attend his congressional meeting, with only the clothes he was wearing and a messenger bag with a spare set of clothing, basic toiletries, and the speeches he wrote to make his case for the under- and misrepresented. He'd be gone for a week, since the meeting spanned over two days, and it took about two days to walk there. It would take another two to walk back. If he switched his set of clothes every day and washed them, he'd be fine. He practiced his speeches as he walked._

_'I, Alary Dilary, stand before you to make my case for...'_

_Alagan woke to an empty bed. He hated when Alary was gone, but knew it was for a good reason._

Ed put down his pen. It was his first experience with writer's block and already he could tell he hated it. _Uggh, stupid brain! Why can't you write?! _He thought for a few more moments. He liked his characters thus far, and thought they seemed realistic enough. Oh, god, he was getting a headache. He started rubbing his temples and wracking his brain._ Maybe I'm not giving Roy enough credit,_ he thought. _At least he's getting _something_ done! _He heard the typewriter keys clicking away, and sat contemplating for a few moments.

* * *

_Bryna and Brogan linked arms and skipped out of the deadly forest, finding a clear meadow they might make their camp in._ _They set up a bed as soft and warm as they could make it with what they had, and lay next to eachother, just cuddlin'. Then, Brogan started crawling his hands up her arms, touching her shoulders, and her neck. She sighed pleasantly in her throat, and let him continue. He started kissing her neck, and her shoulders, and the tops of her bosoms. She wrapped her arms around him, urging him to continue, and he did, a little more fervently now, and his hands continued to explore her body-_

Rooy, will you come here? I need help with my story!"

Roy was pretty ticked. He was just getting his het on, and Ed had interrupted him.

"Fine, just a sec." Roy sighed. He walked into the kitchen, and sat beside Ed.

"What do you need?"

"Well, I'm stuck. Could you read it and tell me how it is?" _Ah, so he concedes my ninja-skills. Very well, then. _

"Okay." He read what little Ed had, and the entire time, Ed just kind of blushed and looked away, anywhere but at Roy. He didn't realize how vulnerable you made yourself when you showed others your work.

"I like it. Alary is really interesting, and Alagan seems like a good, loving partner. They're a good couple. I can't wait to see where you go with it."

Ed could have jumped for joy. _Huzzaw!_ He hadn't even finished his story, and he'd already gotten a good review! _Sic!_

He sat back down, with renewed confidence and vigor. He put his pen to his paper. "Thanks, Roy!"

_Alagan lay on the empty bed, acutely aware of the absence of his partner, his entire world. Though he hated it, he knew that when Alary was back, it would mean their world had become a little better through his actions, and that gave him hope and made him strong._

_Alary arrived at his congressional meeting, as prepared as he would ever be to make his case. He hoped he'd make a difference to those he was trying to support. _

_'I, Alary Dilara, stand before you today to make a case for the 'Untouchables' of our society, namely, the homosexuals. I'm here to make a case that we are, in fact, not much different from any of you. We love and are loved by our families, friends, and our wonderful partners, who just happen to be of our same gender. As the concept of homosexuality is not harmful within itself, and that homosexuals have not commited an inordinate amount of crimes compared to heterosexuals, I would like to put it before you that homosexuals gain all the same legal rights, including marriage, as heterosexual couples...'_

_Alary finished his speech, and the issue of homosexual rights was put to vote. Homosexuals were given full legal rights, if only by a small margin. Alary rejoiced, and couldn't wait to return home to give his happy news to Alagan. He was so enthusiastic, he made the journey in a day and a half-night, never stopping to rest. He woke Alagan to give him his joyful tidings._

_"I did it, Alagan! I _did_ it! We'll be allowed to marry now, if we want to!" _

_Alary kissed Alagan lovingly on full, soft lips, running his hands passionately through Alagan's mop of of beautiful brown hair, graceful neck, and slowly over his smooth back, resting just above his callipygian backside. He gently kissed Alagan's eyes, flitting over his throat with little pecks, even kissing the hollows of his clavicles. Hell, they could think of worse ways to celebrate. He moved on, Alagan paralyzed from his lover's attentions-_

_Oh, crap._ Ed thought_. I'm writing porn!_

Ed picked up his legal pad. "Roy, I need help again!"

"With what?"

"I'm writing yaoi, and it's getting pretty explicit. It's... embarrassing."

"Ed, you've_ lived_ gay porn. Why should it be embarrassing to _write_ it?"

"Well, it's embarrassing knowing that people I know will read it!"

"Ed, stop being embarrassed and just write it. It won't feel so foreign after a while."

"Okay... I guess I'll just do that."

Ed sat back down at the kitchen table, pen contacting paper.

_He moved on, Alagan paralyzed from his lover's attentions, making soft pleasurable sounds in his throat._ _He tried to kiss Alary back, but was only greeted with silent, insistent downward movement of soft hands over his sculpted chest, lingering on his-_

_God, I can't! _Ed whined internally. _IT'S EMBARRASSING!_


	4. Yaoi Spartacus

Roy Mustang, Hopeless Romantic

Ed sat at the table holding his knees and sucking his thumb. _How can I write porn?!_ He started rocking back and forth, eyes glazing over. Roy walked into the adjoining kitchen and amusedly noticed the state Ed was in.

"Are you _still_ hung up on the porn thing?"

"How can people write it? It's so private, and there's embarrassing words and embarrassing sounds and stuff! Why, oh why, did I have to write myself into a yaoi corner?!"

"Ed… stop being such a pussy and write the damn porn."

Ed wiped his tears and said, "Okay, I'll try, I guess."

"Good uke." Roy patted Ed's head and walked back to his typewriter with a glass of water.

* * *

_Hmm… what should happen to Bryna and Brogan now? _

_Brogan reached down to explore Bryna's body, fingers touching and stroking, and awkwardly attempting to unhook Bryna's bra. _

Oh, shit! How do women put these things on everyday! Alright, one's unhooked! Now for the second- ah, crap, the first one's hooked again! Ah, come on!

_By now, Bryna was getting impatient._

"_Just let me unhook the damn thing!"_

_She reached behind herself and unsnapped her bra one-handed. Brogan just stared at her, wide mouthed.  
_

How'd she do that?

"_Agh, let's just DO IT already!" _

_Bryna and Brogan packed the few belongings they had on them and continued on their way to usurp Bryna's tyrannical father. They skipped arm and arm in the woods, singing all the way. _

_About three hours later, when both Bryna and Brogan were fairly convinced they were hopelessly lost, they heard the sound of a white horse galloping in their direction._

"_Do you hear a white horse coming this way?"_

"_Yeah, I do. How queer."_

_A moment later, they saw a large white steed trot up to them, bearing one of the most handsome men Bryna had ever seen. The mysterious stranger had luxurious black hair that fell to his eyes in the front and his ears on the side. His eyes were such a velvety shade of midnight blue she swore she could see the depths of the universe in them. He had sensuous lips and crystal clear, perfect skin. When he spoke, it was as if God himself had become a soft-jazz radio DJ, hand-feeding dark chocolate to her starving ears._

_The mysteriously desirable visitor spoke. "Are you Princess Bryna?"_

_Bryna, stunned into silent eargasm by the sound of her name on the overwhelmingly sensual lips of this seraphic stranger, took a few moments to respond. _

"_Oh. Oh, why yes, yes I am. Did you need me to do something for you, because you know I'll do just about... anything." She batted her eyelashes, licked her lip, and twirled her hair, displaying her breasts with even more fervor than usual. _

"_Oh, thank heavens! I'm your guardian, Ron, and I've got urgent news for you!" _

"_Oh…go on."_

"_You're in terrible danger!"_

"_Keep talking."_

_Brogan, none too happy that his woman was flirting with some random, though inexplicably attractive, stranger, showing off her goodies and making an ass out of herself, spoke his piece. _

"_Bryna, snap out of it! You don't even know this oddly magnetic __bishonen__! And he says you're in danger! Maybe you should hear him out, this Adonis of a man."_

"_Thank you, servant boy._

"_Hey!"_

"_I was sent by your mother to find you. She has been tracking your father's Fares for many moons, and says all they've been up to this point has been to lull you into a false sense of security to trap you and this servant boy you've taken to traveling with."_

"_You bastard, I'll kill you!" _

"_Anyway, Princess Bryna, it would be my honor to protect you."_

"_Well, if it would be your honor, who am I to deny you?"_

"_A wise choice. Would you ride with me?"_

"_It would be my pleasure."_

_Brogan reluctantly boosted Bryna up to Ron's horse, kneeling on all fours and grunting when Bryna stepped on him with little dignity, after a rather decisive order from his (estranged?) lover. _

"_You shall sit in front of me, oh Beautiful Ruler."_

"_Very well."_

_She sat in front of him in his saddle, probably a bit closer than necessary, loving his strong, muscular, yet tender, arms wrapped around her, to reach the reins. Brogan intensely disliked the sight, and actually vomited when he saw Bryna whisper something to Ron and giggle, while Ron smiled. _

"_How'd you survive so long with such a weak-minded, incompetent servant boy this whole time?" _

"_Well… he had his purpose." _

_Brogan thought he would vomit again._

* * *

_Okay, I can do this! _Ed thought, doing some deep breathing exercises. _I am a writing machine! _He did some toe-touches.

"I… am… Spartacus! Of yaoi!"

"Attaboy! Now, how about you write some for me?" Roy shouted from his typewriter.

Ed blushed when he noticed he'd said that aloud.

"Oh… uh, alright. I'll get right on that." He then proceeded to boil another packet of delicious chicken ramen.

* * *

_When night came, the three of them slept together on the single blanket amongst them. Bryna lay between the men, her back fully to Brogan, who was now on the verge of tears. Bryna wrapped her arms around Ron, stroking his leg with her foot, nuzzling her head into his shoulder. Ron held her hand close to his chest as he slept. Brogan just rolled over and took care of himself, weeping. _

_When Brogan awoke the next morning, he noticed he'd somehow become entangled in Ron's arms. What he tried not to notice was how safe he felt there. After a quick moment, he removed himself from the situation and noticed Bryna was gone- by herself. _

Oh, no! What about the Fares!?

_He shouted to Ron. "Hey, dipshit! Our Beautiful Ruler is gone! And alone!" _

"_Well, that's a fine kettle of fish! I suppose all we can really do is search for her…. Hey, what's this? It appears to be some sort of ransom note."_

"_That's exactly what it is."_

I have the girl. If you ever want to see her again,

You'd better get your fat fanny over to the

Clearing we fought in and apologize for being

such a bloody jerkface to me!

Your Friend,

Dread Pirate Richards

"_Again? Holy shit, you've GOT to be SHITTING me!" _

"_The two of you have met before?"_

"_Maybe a couple of times. Anyway, let's just go rescue my ex-girlfriend."_

* * *

_Okay, I AM Yaoi Spartacus! I can do this! I will get to the money shot!_

But not yet.


	5. The Crackhouse

Hopeless Romantic

"_Wait, wait- she was your _girlfriend_?" The surprised Ron asked, in a surprised manner. _

"_Yeah, she _was_." Brogan put special emphasis on the last word. _

"_And she carried on that way with me anyway?"_

"_She sure did."_

"_Whoa. Sorry, dude. I didn't mean to get all up in your action like that."_

"_Whatever."_

_They came upon the now-familiar clearing, met with the now-familiar sight of Bryna, bound and gagged atop Dread Pirate Richards' giant, black, menacing, evil, glowy-eyed steed. _

"_Brogan! Ron! Thank Odin you've come for me!" _

_Through the gag, though, it sounded more like, "Oh-ahn! Won! 'Ank owen yoovum 'er me!" _

"_Three snaps in a z-formation!" Spake Ron, making precisely that motion he just said. "You, sistah, are a woman, and thus must not speak till spake to! Besides, I have something that must be said: you and I are over, honey!" The look on the shocked woman's face was undeniably of shock. _

"_What?!" ("Huaa?!") _

"_That's right, beezy! Brogan told all about the history you two had, as well as your disgusting hussy habits! I will continue to protect you for it is my duty, but I simply cannot carry on with you as I have for the past… eighteen hours. Also-" _

_He paused for dramatic effect. _

"_I'm with Brogan now." He stepped to the side and looped arms with the Fabio look-alike, except he was totally way better looking than Fabio. In fact, Fabio was jealous. _

"_What?!" Bryna, Brogan, and Richards all shouted in surprise, whipping their heads around really fast so that you could that whoosh-y sound. Had they been drinking, they surely would have spit in surprise. _

"_Yes. That is, if he'll have me." Ron got down on one knee and produced a small box, seemingly from nowhere, containing a gorgeous ring. _

"_What do you say, Bro-Bro?" _

"_Well… Ron… I'm… flattered. I think we should take care of business before we get down to it."_

"_Of course, of course," Ron said, putting the ring back wherever he'd pulled it from, and swiveled towards Richards._

"_Unhand my client's daughter at once, you lascivious fiend, or suffer my bisexual wrath!" _

_; - ;_

Ed, feeling as though he'd grown cojones in the past few minutes, sat down to his forgotten noodles and began to write his porn.

"Roy! I'm done! Want to see?"

Roy ran quickly ran in quickly, eager to read the hot smut he was sure his lover had written.

He sat in Ed's chair, holding the yellow legal pad Ed had attempted to write in. Though eager at first, he soon became disappointed; Ed had replaced all the dirty words with dashes!

_Alagan's hands ran all over Alary's body, causing shivers to course through his entire body, especially along his - and in his -. Blissfully receiving the attention, Alary threw his head back as Alagan - and - his -. He suddenly felt fingers gently prodding at his -, stretching and scissoring. He turned over at Alagan's request, fingers replaced by a - - -, that - and - , and he couldn't get enough. Shivering, he - - - - -. Sated, he fell back exhaustedly, as Alagan continued - and - until he felt the sticky, warm fluid from Alagan's - - release inside his -. _

"Uh…Ed?" The blond looked up expectantly. "This…" He said, tapping the pad, "isn't porn."

"What?! Are you sure?" Ed narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"Well… you can't just leave a blank where the doyty woyds need to be! If you do that, then it's just yaoi mad libs. Not that those aren't fun sometimes. Am I right, Cheryl*?" Roy referenced his own favorite fan fiction author, inventor of said yaoi mad libs, and a woman quite gifted at writing sexy porn as well as lovely …_not_ porn. Roy returned his attention to Ed's dilemma.

"Aw, shucks! Now I have to rewrite the whole thing!" "Papi, es no problema! I'll just have to show you how it's done, mi amigo!"

Softly singing, "La cuca! Rrrraaacha!" to himself, having randomly adopted that tasty Latino spice, he sashayed to his typewriter, throwing in a little cha-cha step.

Floating down to his most comfy typing chair, he fed a fresh piece of paper into his typewriter, preparing to show Ed just what he needed to know.

"See, just watch!"

Ed did just that, staring intently as Roy worked his pr0nzy magic.

"I see what you were getting at- let's just try this, though."

_Alagan ran his hands delicately over Alary's body, causing shivers to course through his body and excited heat to pool in his cock. Blissfully receiving the attention, Alary threw his head back as Alagan took the entirety of his lover's cock into his mouth, licking along the shaft. trails of saliva cooled as he removed his mouth, a warm hand replacing it. He pumped up and down slowly, delighting in the unabashed pleasure on the face of his usually reserved lover; the lidded eyes, gaping mouth and heavy breathing letting him know he was doing it right. He took a bottle of lube from his bedside table, coating his fingers with it, and gently prodded at Alary's entrance, stretching him slowly. He inserted another finger, exploring, searching for that one perfect spot. Alary's cry let him know he'd brushed it, and he inserted a third finger. He started scissoring and branching his fingers out, making Alary cry out again, this time louder. He drew them out, gripping his own sex, pumping for a few moments. He aligned himself with Alary, pushing in, allowing him to adjust. After a moment, he pulled out and pushed back in, slowly easing himself deep into the other man. His pace quickened gradually, momentum building. He found Alary's spot once again, taking advantage. "Oh!" He practically sang. Alagan brushed the spot again, and Alary went into orbit. The more delicate man came, and Alagan continued pumping until Alary felt the warm, sticky mess inside him. They collapsed onto the bed, Alagan kissing his partner's neck and stroking his hair. They lay there for a while, until cleaning up and falling asleep together. _

Ed looked on, his mouth hanging wide open.

"Uh…"

"Yes?" Roy smirked, as he could see how his erotica, truthfully the only thing he had any skill at writing (not that he knew that), had affected his young lover.

"Uh… can Brona and Bryan or whatever wait for a few minutes?" He approached Roy hungrily, practically humping his leg. Roy thought, _yes, I do believe Brianne and Brodon can wait a few_- but by then he was already snogging Ed's face.

; - ;

Five wet, sloppy, horny minutes later, Roy refastened his belt, tucked in his shirt and sat back at his typewriter, which he had taken to calling "Bertha." He was terribly excited about his new twist! Roy- excuse me, Ron- had just proposed to Brogan! The drama! The conflict! Oh, the possibilities!

"_Unhand my client's daughter at once, you lascivious fiend, or suffer my bishie-sexual wrath!" _

"_Who's gonna make me?" Richards then stuck out his tongue in a most unbecoming fashion, squinting his eyes as well._

_Rolling his sleeves up, Ron flexed his most becomingly muscley biceps._

"_How about Grabby?" He indicated his left arm. "And Squeezy?" He pointed to his right. The look on his face threatened death at any sign of defiance. _

"_Not Grabby and Squeezy!" Dread Pirate Richards gave Ron a look of genuine terror. "Okay, okay, take her, take her!" Brogan grabbed her and swiftly untied her. _

"_Aw, man, I suck at piracy! I should just stick to illegally downloading Lady Gaga**." He kicked the dirt and climbed on his freaky horse, riding off into the sunset. At three in the afternoon. _

"_Oh, Brogan, you rescued me! I love you! I love you so much!" She kissed all over his face, leaving lip prints in Revlon Cherry in the Snow on his face. _

"_Hey, that's not fair! Last night when Ron showed up, you were all over him! You, like, totally ignored me! You know, you can't just, like, expect me to be okay with this!"_

"_That's fair, I guess. But what if I-" she whispered something in his ear, something that surely must have been promises of a most erotic and sensual nature._

"_Okay. I'm okay with it." He kissed her lips… erotically._

"_Good." They kissed again… also erotically. _

"_But… what about my marriage proposal?" Ron gave them both the most adorable puppy eyes. _

"_Oh, yeah. Um… let's see. I think we can work something ou- " All of a sudden, the Fares burst out of the forest! _

"_We are the knights of the squarish table! We do the best that we are able! From North to South, from East to West, we are the knights who are the best!" _

"_I am Long Knight!" _

"_I am Short Knight!"_

"_I am Dark Knight!"_

"_And I am…White Knight!" _

"_Hand us the girl or we'll go all wang chung on your ass!" _

"_Yeah!" "Hand her over!" _

"_Hand her over or we'll never give you our Shikon jewel shards!" _

_Whispering into his friend's ear, one knight said, "That's the wrong show."_

"_Oh, yeah. Well, we'll never give you the One Ring either!" _

"_No."_

"_The Death Note? The real Kira?"_

"_Still no."_

"_Well… WE WON'T TELL YOU WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS!" _

"_That's not even a MacGuffin!" _

"_Philosopher's Stone?"_

"_Bingo."_

"_Yay, me!" He jumped up and down and clapped his hands. _

_During this exchange, Bryna, Brogan, and Won-won circled (triangled?) around the incompetent, distracted guards hired to catch Bryna, using the rope leftover from Dread Pirate Richards' inept attempts at kidnapping, and wrapped them all up, squishing them all together like a bunch of people being squished together. _

"_Isn't this getting a little old, Bryna?" He shoved their mouths full of fabric, gagging them. _

"_Yeah, it feels like we've done this a lot already."_

"_No matter. The important thing is, we have them captured. We should interrogate them to find out more of their plans."_

"_Good plan."_

"_You! You! Yes, you! What are your plans? Where are the others?" _

"_We are the elite Fares! The others were deemed too incompetent to complete the mission, and were sent back to do less strenuous duties."_

"_How do we know you're telling the truth?"_

"_Cross my heart and hope to die?"_

"_Not good enough."_

"_Yeah. I'd like it better if he _actually_ died." _

"_HEY! Uh, well… The Flying Spaghetti Monster strike me dead if I'm lying?" _

"_No, I don't trust them. Well, that only leaves one option." Ron backed up, removed his sword from the sheath that he suddenly had, raised it above his head, and shouted, "WINDSCAR!" Bringing down it down with great force, sending a large, blue, glowy stream of light towards their prisoners. _

"_Aaaaggggghhhhhhhh!"_

"_See, see! I told you they'd want jewel shards!" _

"_Shut up!" _

_They didn't die, but their clothes were destroyed and their skin was now a lovely shade of lobster red. Windscar probably shouldn't work that way, but honestly, who gives a shit? Nobody, that's who. _

"Now _will you talk?" Ron smirked a smirk worthy of Roy Mustang._

"_Yes, yes! Anything! Anything to keep you from doing… THAT again!" _

"_It's true! We really were deemed the only four competent enough to go on this mission! There are no more going after you! Your father has given up, and you will be allowed to marry your dreamy, roguish freedom fighter! Now, please, just let us go with our hides! We won't bother you! Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!" He cried. And cried. And cried some more. Then a little more. Then even more. And more, still. _

"_Your tears grow tiresome. Leave. Leave, I say! Never bother us again or… you know." He gestured at his sword. _

"_Yes, we know! Thank you, master, for deigning us fit to live!"_

"_Just barely. Now, get out of my sight!"_

_The four supposedly most competent Fares ran away like little sissies. _


End file.
